Monthly Archives: May 2012
Stressed Parents: The Trickle Down Effect
I recently attended the annual conference by the American Family Therapy Academy (AFTA), which had an emphasis on family resilience. I have decided to share some information from one of the most poignant and powerful presentations I attended, by Gabor Maté , M.D. Dr. Maté ‘s expertise includes addiction, ADHD, mind-body wellness, adolescent mental health and parenting. While Dr. Mate’s talk focused on the source of addiction from his book In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts, he addressed the issue of stressed parents from his other bestselling book called, “When the Body Says No, The Hidden Costs of Stress.”
Most parents will say stress comes with the territory and usually fluctuates depending on various circumstances. Nowadays, parents are facing more stressors than ever with the current economic crisis, rampant unemployment, lack of resources and so on. So what happens to families when parents are in a constant state of stress?
The Brain & the Environment
Dr. Maté talks about how the human brain is not fully developed at birth, and so the environment that children are exposed to in the first 3-5 years of life has a huge impact on brain development. As a result, the social and psychological environment that children are in has the capacity to influence a child’s genes. Therefore, it is extremely important for the child to be in an environment where the parent is not highly stressed and is very emotionally present. Otherwise, Maté says children are likely to develop unhealthy behavior patterns (such as ADD, repressed emotions, chronic illness etc.) to cope with this early childhood experience.
While a stressful environment can include extremes, such as abuse, neglect, war or any type of violence, it can also include having financial stress, marital conflict, mental illness etc. Read the rest of this entry
I Love You, Now Change
The usual break-up tagline, “it’s not you, it’s me” oddly enough seems to be reversed during relationships, “it’s not me, it’s you.” Something I often hear individual clients and couples say is “if it weren’t for him/ her doing x and y, everything would be perfect” or “if he/she would only do x and y then everything would be fine.” This idea that our happiness in a relationship is contingent upon someone ELSE changing is nearly impossible to work with.
#1- Accept the fact that you cannot change your partner
While we can talk about ways that we can help our partner do more or less of something, it seems to be more fruitful to talk with couples about acceptance.
When we love someone, we must love all of them. We cannot selectively choose the things we want to keep and discard the rest. This does not mean we are overlooking certain traits or characteristics, it means truly accepting the dark, ugly and hidden parts of someone. Of course this is not easy. Most of us struggle to accept part of ourselves, let alone parts of someone else.
#2- Nurture fondness and admiration
John Gottman, PhD., is a leading marriage researcher who has written books, such as The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Through Gottman’s years of research, he has highlighted the importance of nurturing fondness and admiration. This enables couples to better accept each other’s flaws and weaknesses. Gottman’s research also indicates that these are two of the most vital elements in preserving a long and satisfying relationship. Read the rest of this entry
