Monthly Archives: May 2012
The usual break-up tagline, “it’s not you, it’s me” oddly enough seems to be reversed during relationships, “it’s not me, it’s you.” Something I often hear individual clients and couples say is “if it weren’t for him/ her doing x and y, everything would be perfect” or “if he/she would only do x and y then everything would be fine.” This idea that our happiness in a relationship is contingent upon someone ELSE changing is nearly impossible to work with.
#1- Accept the fact that you cannot change your partner
While we can talk about ways that we can help our partner do more or less of something, it seems to be more fruitful to talk with couples about acceptance.
When we love someone, we must love all of them. We cannot selectively choose the things we want to keep and discard the rest. This does not mean we are overlooking certain traits or characteristics, it means truly accepting the dark, ugly and hidden parts of someone. Of course this is not easy. Most of us struggle to accept part of ourselves, let alone parts of someone else.
#2- Nurture fondness and admiration
John Gottman, PhD., is a leading marriage researcher who has written books, such as The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Through Gottman’s years of research, he has highlighted the importance of nurturing fondness and admiration. This enables couples to better accept each other’s flaws and weaknesses. Gottman’s research also indicates that these are two of the most vital elements in preserving a long and satisfying relationship. Read the rest of this entry