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In Relationship with a Highly Sensitive Person
A topic I often come across in couple’s therapy is one partner being more “sensitive” than the other. This relationship dynamic can be a great source of conflict for couple’s who struggle to accept and understand the other person or who believe this trait is something that can be changed. As I’ve said before, when we let go of our mission to alter our partner and instead practice acceptance, we create space for compassion, compromise and intimacy. However, it can be hard to create space for that acceptance and appreciation without truly understanding what makes a sensitive person the way he/she is. The research refers to sensitive or highly sensitive people as HSP’s.
5 Gifts of Being Highly Sensitive
- Attuned to sensory detail
- Pick up nuances in meaning
- High emotional awareness
- Very creative
- Great empathy
(Douglas Eby)
Research on HSP’s highlights that these traits are due to a fundamental difference in one’s nervous system functioning, as systems with decreased latent inhibition are more open to incoming stimuli. As a result, these individuals are prone to overstimulation and becoming easily stressed and therefore need more down time.
Public Opinion
When we hear the term “sensitive” we often conjure up stereotypes of what that term means and what it says about a person. Oftentimes sensitive people may be labeled as “shy,” “timid,” “inhibited,” or “introverted,” when in reality 70% of highly sensitive people are introverts and 30% are extroverts. So yes, there is such a thing as a sensitive extrovert! Nevertheless, this stigma against being a sensitive person can often be an obstacle to 1) identifying yourself as one, 2) being compassionate towards someone or 3) valuing these traits in yourself or others. Here are a few common stereotypes:
Love Connection: An Attachment Perspective
With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, most of us have love on the brain. Whether you’re gushing in anticipation or 
dreading a day filled with chocolate and the color pink, the following will help you use this oh so cheesy holiday to understand the importance of your relationship connection.
While there are individual differences and cultural differences in one’s need for intimacy and closeness, it is inherent in our human makeup to be connected rather than disconnected and isolated. Thus, our need to attach is somewhat universal.
Attachment theory is based off this exact idea; that we innately desire to be in close relationships. John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth pioneered this theory by studying children’s responses to attachment and bonding with their caregiver. Such bonding behavior is thought to have had an evolutionary advantage, as those who weren’t left to fend for themselves survived longer.
While this may sound a bit prehistoric, we operate from what is called an “emotional brain.” This emotional brain is our limbic system, which is essentially responsible for flight or fight responses.
You can imagine how this emotional brain can feel threatened when our very basic need, attachment, is not met in our primary adult relationship, our romantic relationship. Read the rest of this entry
