Category Archives: Your Love Spot
Trust in Attunement
Whether you are talking among friends about relationships or you are sitting with a couple’s therapist, the concept of trust is likely to come up. For some it’s a question of “how do we rebuild trust?”, “How can I ever trust you again?” or even “I’m struggling to trust you due to a past relationship experience.” According to John Gottman, a leading researcher and writer on relationships and marriage, one of the fundamental issues for couples is trust and betrayal.
While each person may have varying ideas about what trust consists of, we can agree that culture, family background, media and personal experience among others influence our definition. Nevertheless, my experience is that the majority if couples’ arguments are less about the actual words being said, and more about the underlying theme of trust.
Here are just a few questions that I have found resonate with my couples during arguments:
- Can I trust you to take care of me?
- Can I trust you not to hurt me?
- Can I trust that you will be there for me?
- Can I trust that you are being honest?
- Can I trust you not to be unfaithful?
- Can I trust you not to do drugs or drink (typically for couples in recovery)
Building Trust
A question commonly asked in couple’s therapy is about building, strengthening or re-establishing trust. The short answer is that trust is realized in the ordinary moments, rather than extraordinary ones. Although trust can be broken in extraordinary moments that are momentous and perhaps dramatic, such as discovering an affair, it tends not to be easily mended by grand events or gestures. That means that every day there are small, even seemingly simple opportunities when you make a decision to either turn towards or turn away from your partner. Read the rest of this entry
Love Connection: An Attachment Perspective
With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, most of us have love on the brain. Whether you’re gushing in anticipation or 
dreading a day filled with chocolate and the color pink, the following will help you use this oh so cheesy holiday to understand the importance of your relationship connection.
While there are individual differences and cultural differences in one’s need for intimacy and closeness, it is inherent in our human makeup to be connected rather than disconnected and isolated. Thus, our need to attach is somewhat universal.
Attachment theory is based off this exact idea; that we innately desire to be in close relationships. John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth pioneered this theory by studying children’s responses to attachment and bonding with their caregiver. Such bonding behavior is thought to have had an evolutionary advantage, as those who weren’t left to fend for themselves survived longer.
While this may sound a bit prehistoric, we operate from what is called an “emotional brain.” This emotional brain is our limbic system, which is essentially responsible for flight or fight responses.
You can imagine how this emotional brain can feel threatened when our very basic need, attachment, is not met in our primary adult relationship, our romantic relationship. Read the rest of this entry
Emotional Infidelity: Fact or Fiction?
In the era where if someone doesn’t answer their phone, we have the option to text them, e-mail them, Facebook them or even Tweet at them, communication has definitely become a little complicated. While most of us can recite countless benefits of all these various channels, we often pay little attention to the detriment that technology and online communication can have on our romantic relationships.
While the obvious pitfall of technological communication is misunderstandings and misinterpretations, an even bigger pitfall is emotional infidelity. According to Dr. Dale Atkins, emotional infidelity or emotional cheating is “about forming meaningful attachments with people other than your partner in ways that prevent your partner from having that deep emotional intimacy with you.”
How Does this Happen?
Relationships often become vulnerable to this type of infidelity when one partner feels misunderstood or unappreciated. Often, when one partner’s needs are not being met in the relationship, he/she will go outside of it. As we spend more time at work and online, these become our primary outlets. Facebook, blogs, Twitter and other social media serve to connect people and often do so on the basis of common interests. However, the lack of face-to-face and physical contact may serve as a factor in blurring boundaries of what is and isn’t appropriate. Read the rest of this entry
Expectations & Conflict Resolution: The Ongoing Conversation
It’s almost comical that many of us find a relationship partner and expect immediate symbiosis. Two people from different backgrounds, families, upbringings and experiences, yet we assume that due to some key commonalities we share similar expectations, particularly about relationships. Well, not just about relationships in general, but about what’s good for your relationship.
We often see couples come in for help when they are deciding “should I stay or should I go?” Meanwhile, these arguments have been brewing for months or even years about what each person wants for him/herself and for the relationship. Conversations about needs, wants, hopes and expectations are not a one time deal to check off the list. This conversation should be ongoing for two reasons: open communication promotes honesty and intimacy and people and their views evolve. Keeping open communication and revisiting these topics keeps your partner informed of your intentions and allows people to be open to changing their views and opinions.
Whether you are days, months or years into your relationship, the following pointers can be used to talk about relationship expectations and intentions.
Understand your partner- learn about their past relationship experiences, family history, what has gotten them in this particular frame of mind? See their point of view. This doesn’t mean you’re adopting it or agreeing with it, but simply understanding where this person stands and why.
Know your deal breakers or non-negotiables (for all you Millionaire Matchmaker fans), your needs vs. wants and what you are willing to compromise on.
Tackle the toughies early on! Don’t avoid certain topics because you fear you will disagree or think they’ll get better with time. The longer you ignore difficult topics, the more trouble you are likely to be in later.
Can you accept your partner? See the person for who they really are and what they are asking for and ask yourself “if nothing changed, could I stay in this relationship?”
Be mindful of timing- don’t bring up a touchy subject right when your partner walks through the door, has just told you he/she had a bad day or is in the middle of watching their favorite show. While there isn’t always a “good time” to address conflict, try to time your conversation at a moment when you and your partner can be open to sharing and listening. Read the rest of this entry
